


these petals are like my feelings, I choke on them

by glochisiester



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 00:36:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17254322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glochisiester/pseuds/glochisiester
Summary: Donghyuck dies because Maprk failed to love him. Mark wakes up in a parellel universe after, except no one's coughing out petals and Donghyuck's not inlove with him.(Or Mark learns how to fall inlove with his bestfriend.)It is not guilt. It is love.





	these petals are like my feelings, I choke on them

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> I will beta this once I have time.
> 
> If you like it do not forget to leave a kudos and comments, babye

It was too late.

Mark realized.

When his bestfriend started coughing out red petals covered with blood when he mentioned that Yeri had finally said 'yes' to a date outside. Donghyuck had doubled over the carpet, one shaking hand closing over his aching throat. Mark just stood beside him, beyond shock and frozen to actually react on the scene before him. Donghyuck was crying, his cheeks red wet with tears and his spit was red, blood.

'Donghyuck!' Mark had screamed when he finally regained his bearings, sinking to his knees beside the younger. The younger pushed him away weakly, coughing out his tears as well as the red blooded roses.

'Since when?' The older asked, whispered. His voice cracked, hurt and betrayed. Why didn't he know about this? Why didn't Donghyuck told him?

'Since first year' Was the short reply followed by another coughing. Mark rubs his back, hands trembling. First year? That's like.. four years apart to now. How can Donghyuck hide something like this for so long? 'Why?' Mark pushes, frowning. He sounds angry making the smaller scramble away from him, pained and afflicted. 'Does it matter?' He whimpers, eyes burning with shame. 'Nothing will happen even if I tell you.'

'If you had told me then I could've helped you!' Mark says in frustration, mad that his bestfriend doesn't trust him.

'Would you love me?' Donghyuck shouted back, eyes no longer scared but filled with hatred. For himself. 'Could you even?' He laughed, full of lifeless misery and longing. 'You cannot help me Mark. I'm gay, you're not. We're different. We're worlds apart.'

'I'm your bestfriend' Mark argues albeit weakly, eyes brimming full with tears.

The younger shook his head, pulling down his turtleneck to reveal his throat, the part of his body that he carefully protected and hid to everyone. Even to Mark. His throat is decorated with blossoming thorns, angry green reminding Mark of the stems. Veins almost popping out and constricted. Donghyuck smiles bitterly, another petal falling out of his mouth. 'You are my bestfriend Mark.' he completely pulls the clothe down to reveal his chest heavily adorned with deadly patches of veins. Killing him. 'But I need a lover to survive. To live.'

'Donghyuck..'

'You don't have to.' The younger replies, laying limp beside the couch. He picks the fallen petal and stared at it, a sad smile on his lips. He cast his tired eyes at the older, at the only person he loved the most to die for. 'You cannot love me like this.. not when you have to force yourself..'

Mark crawls to where he is laying helplessly, lips wobbling as he tries to stop his tears from spurting more. Donghyuck tilted his head to stare at him, lips already blue. He tries to raise his hand and touch the older's face but he lacks energy, body too tired and worn out to be at use. The older doesn't speak, doesn't even utter a single word as the younger coughs out more petals, the last one being a full blown bud of rose. Mark chokes on his own tears, quivering as he took the bloody bud from his cold hands. He looked down at the smaller, seeing him smile with love. 'Tell me you love me' Donghyuck whimpers, tears coming out as blood as well. Mark chokes again, throat closing when he realized he can't. He can't speak or say a word. He clenches his hand where the bud rest, Donghyuck smiling at him sadly.

'I love you Mark,' The younger says instead, stems moving inside his throat. 'Always remember that.' he links their small pinkies together, 'on my next life, I'd still love you.. even if you can't.'

Mark wants to argue, tell him that he's wrong. That he can still help the younger. He doesn't know how but they will find a way. Hospital, experts and more. But as Donghyuck's hand fall down, already as cold as his whole body, Mark doesn't fight for it anymore. He watches as the younger's eyes closed, a serene smile on his lips knowing that he died on the arms of the one he loved the most.

Mark watches him die. In his own arms.

He realized that it was too late.

When the flowers already became a pool of blood surrounding them. When the doors opened and a crying Renjun along with their other friends ran to them, picking Donghyuck's body away from him. He realized it's too late— far too late when he see his bestfriend's body being placed inside the golden coffin, filled with letters and favorite items such as his Michael Jackson hat and earphones. He only realized that it was indeed too late when Yeri's warm hands intertwined with his and he is suddenly reminded by the fact that his bestfriend, Donghyuck endured those thorns for him because he know Mark couldn't— wouldn't reciprocate his feelings. Because he liked someone else.

  
That night, the day of Donghyuck's funeral, Mark slept with the windows open, staring at the sunflower swaying with the wind on his desk. He cried himself to sleep, feeling dead and hollow.

  
~♥~

 

When Mark woke up, the first thing he realized was that he is not in his room. There is no table near his bed and the sunflower is missing, causing him to panic. He shot up in a sitting position, looking around. Everything is different. His room doesn't look like this. Instead, it looked like a room in a dormitory. He stood and checked his reflection, sighing in relief when he sees that nothing changed in his physical form. Just a shorter hair and a more mascular body. He looked matured. He looked around again, taking notice the state of the room. Very messy. Like how a college student would do. He's interrupted with his thoughts when a knock came, a voice following after. 'Hey Mark! Are you alive? You better be awake because if you try to ran away from the outing you are so dead—'

'Stop that Renjun!' Another voice that sounded like Jeno cut in.

'Open this freaking door you coward!' Renjun screams, knocking louder. Mark felt his heart throb, scared and panicked. Will they blame him for Donghyuck's death? Will they fault him for the loss of their bestfriend? His heart is hammering, filled with shame and sadness, the overwhelming pain of remembering that.. that Donghyuck is gone. Dead.

'Open this door you asshole!' Renjun continued to pound his fist against the door, making Mark snapped out of his dilemma. As he listen to Renjun's loud voice, a confusing thought came to his mind, wondering how the other can shout so loud when just yesterday he was bawling his eyes out in the funeral. His voice surely must be hoarse by now. But today, Renjun sounded fine. Loud and clear. As another bang of fist hit the door, Mark made the decision to face it and answer whatever they wanted to know.

He expected to get a punch or a kick after he opened the door, but what happened is Renjun headlocking him in his thin arms. Jeno was behind him, an apologetic smile with his arms full of basket and blankets. Mark stared at him, Jeno, who looked different. He looked a little older, more handsome and defined. He is definitely taller too, but unlike him, Renjun is still small. He checked his other friend and noticed that he's more thinner, slightly less intimidating and more prettier. He had his eyelids coloured and his lips' definitely has a tint on it.

'Please don't stare at my boyfriend,' Jeno had said, a playful smile on his lips as he grab Renjun's arms to take him away. Mark widened his eyes, unsure of what to reply. Boyfriend?

If Jeno doesn't notice or mind his reaction, Renjun definitely does. He narrows his eyes at him, calculating as always. 'Why do you look shock? Jeno and I have been dating for years. Don't tell me you're homophobic.'

Mark was quick to interject, 'No!'

'Then why do you look like you saw a ghost?' The smaller presses, poking his chest with a finger. Jeno had given up with him, entering the room before starting to grab the necessary things. Mark frowned at the smaller, confused. 'Weren't you crying yesterday? You were devastated because of Donghyuck.'

'What about Donghyuck?'

'He.. he..' Mark stops himself, unsure how to say it. 'He's dea—'

'Hey Mark!' Jeno hollers, throwing a pair of white Puma track pants and hoodie, 'Please wash and change. We have to get going. Donghyuck and the others are probably killing each other by now.'

Mark chokes on his saliva upon hearing Donghyuck's name. 'What?'

'You heard the big guy,' Renjun pushes him, still with a guarded expression. 'Come, move quickly so we can start the outing.' Mark doesn't even argue anymore, too scared to ask Renjun with his stare. As he looked at the locked door of what supposed to be his bathroom door, his confused mind supplied that Donghyuck's going to be with them. What do they mean? Will they have a picnic on his grave? Or with his picture? Perhaps today was his bestfriend's death anniversary and he just forgot the whole year till it came.

Apparently, they indeed have an outing. And Jeno has a car. Renjun pointed out that he also has a car but quickly argued that his boyfriend is a more safe driver even before he can think of a reply. They dropped by at a small grocery, picking all of their friend's favorite snacks along with Donghyuck's mango treats. Mark looked at them incredulously, figuring how they would feed someone who is.. dead.

As they got to the location, only Mark felt that he was dreaming. Because, there indeed is Donghyuck. Alive and noisy. He was fighting with Jaemin, biting his arms. He looked different yet the same. Still tan, voice still as shrill as it was before, and eyes glinting with mischief and mirth. But he is thinner, long legs an attraction, hair long enough to frame his small face and he looked prettier.. less human and more ethereal. Maybe he's an angel and that Mark was just seeing some illusion.

'You stare a lot.' Renjun nudged his ribs, passing him the big basket full of sandwiches. He ran to where Donghyuck and Jaemin are bickering, tackling them for a hug. Mark doesn't move, even when Jeno passes by him, already putting down the basket of food and setting the blanket. 'Hey Mark, you coming?'

Mark shaked his head to clear his mind, heart on his mouth. His mind is not working as he walks to them, getting to see Donghyuck more clearer and better. The last time he saw him was on the coffin, dead, cold and sad. But now, he is the total opposite. This must be some sort of dream, a nightmare perhaps. This cannot be happening. Donghyuck's gone. He's dead. He died from the flowers that killed him. Because he loved Mark. And Mark cannot reciprocate his feelings.

'Mark-hyung!' Jisung and Chenle greeted in unison, waving at him happily. They are snuggled against each other, wearing matching outfits. 'You were late. Renjun-hyung told us you slept late again.'

Mark opens his mouth like a fish, wondering if he should tell them that he slept late because of crying over Donghyuck's death. But Chenle already cut him off, 'Hyung's busy with school Jisungie! University is very hard.'

University? Mark's mind supplied. Last time he knew, he was an Idol and at middle school, and they're in their 4th year, about to enter University along with their newest comeback not until Donghyuck left early. 'Hyung, can you pass me the box of juice?'

Mark snapped from his trance once again, confused. His head hurt, everything felt too surreal to be real. Still, he obeys the request and passed over the wanted item. Chenle grinned cutely at him before snuggling back to Jisung's chest. Mark found his eyes straying to his bestfriend once again, someone he thought he would never see. Maybe he was dreaming. Or maybe Donghyuck's hunting him for failing to give back the love he carefully protected and catered just for Mark. The love that killed him.

'Would you look at that.' Jaemin had announced, a knowing smirk on his lips as he finally tackled Donghyuck on the ground. 'Looks like our Canada is super busy with his studies.'

'Oh cut him some slack. Not all of us are majoring in accounting.' Renjun had quipped, pulling the half-eaten sandwich from Jeno's grasp, 'It's hard being the best student and ace player of basketball guys.'

Mark chokes on his sandwich, coughing out remnants. Jeno passes a pack a kleenex, furrowing his eyebrows in concern. 'Hey, you okay?'

Mark doesn't respond but wiped his mouth with the tissue, mind going haywire. Best student? Basketball player? What the actual fuck? He doesn't even know how to dribble. What's happening?

'Are you alright Canada?' The same yet different melodious voce echoed in the silence, causing Mark's breathe to hitch and his heartbeat to quicken. This voice he remembered dearly. It was close to his heart, and more closer to his memory for it is the last voice he heard after the tearful departure. Turning very slowly to face the source of the voice, he felt his heart dropping to his stomach. Facing Donghyuck, his bestfriend that he lost and for some unexplained reason is alive and looking more ethereal and otherwordly, made Mark realized what he's been missing all of his life.

'Donghyuck?' He tested out, unsure. Everything happening is a scare to him.

'That's me' Was the curt reply, followed by a raise eyebrow. 'Unless you forgot your bestfriend, I suggest you start making your brain useful Canada. Like passing me the bag of mango chips over there.'

Mark gapes at him like a fish, shaking his head to follow his orders. His hand accidentally touches Donghyuck's warm fingers, causing him to recoil in shock and frustration. Warm. He is very warm. Not cold for someone dead. Donghyuck had frowned harder at that, followed by Renjun who doesn't miss the interaction. 'Are you okay Mark? You've been.. fretting and fidgeting eversince we woke you up.' Renjun said.

Mark looked at them, as in all of them, taking in his mind the faces of his friends. It's impossible, they all look much older. Jisung's a head taller just by the way he sat up. Jaemin's more bulkier than before, arms bulging showing off his hard work. Renjun and Jeno, as well as Chenle look all different. Especially Donghyuck. They felt the same but different at the same time. What's happening?

'Mark,' Jaemin whispers, rubbing his shoulder to get him relaxed. 'Tell us what's wrong. You looked.. lost.'

Mark pulls away, stricken at the shock face Jaemin shows him. Donghyuck, on their friend's behalf looked mad. 'If you're not going to tell us then solve your own problem.'

That.

That is different. Donghyuck isn't like that. He's.. he will never say that to Mark. He loves Mark. He can never hurt him. But now. Right now, he is different. Like someone he knows but he actually doesn't.

'I.. I need fresh air.' He stutters, up on his feet before rushing away from them. Away from this nightmare. This is not real, Mark thought, as he run to wherever his feet will take him. He stopped by at a big tree, a place he faintly remembers from his memories. He rounds the big tree, tracing the scratches as he calms himself down. His heartbeat fasten when he see a familiar writing of something he is very familiar with. Right in the middle of the tree is written in a scratchy handwriting,

Haechan Minhyung

He stared at it incredulously. He remember writing it during their pre-debut days and judging from the oldness of the tree it looks like it's been years. So many years from now on. Just as he started wracking his brain for hypothesis about how he magically came in this specific time or did he transported? Renjun came, gasping for air as if he'd run behind Mark when the other ran away.

'Mark,'

Mark flinches, too tired to run and too confused making him curious and persistent. 'Renjun'

'Don't Renjun me when you've been very confusing since morning!' The smaller yells, looking ready to kill. His brows is scrunched and the side of his face is wet, sweat trickling down. Mark feels guilty but a lot more confused. How can he be confusing when everything around him is the reason he's confused. 'I.. I don't know what's happening..' He admits, feeling scared. He might've looked very terrified because Renjun's frown disappeared. 'What do you mean?'

'I..' Mark stutters, doesn't know where to start. He remembers the words on the tree, 'This! This one! It's me.. and.. and Donghyuck.'

Renjun followed his finger, tilting his head at the words. 'Haechan?'

'That is Donghyuck's idol name.' Mark justifies, feeling hopeful. Maybe this was amnesia. And each of them are suffering.

'Idol?' Renjun turns to him, looking concerned and twisted. Now he looked more confused than Mark himself. 'What do you mean idol? Haechan's the name of the most famous singer before.'

'Yeah— but—' Mark cuts himself off, eyes widening, 'Before?'

The smaller nodded, 'We don't know much about it. But they were a very famous Boygroup ages ago. Like legends and myths. Minhyung and Haechan. But the vocalist died due to some personal matters.'

Mark looked conflicted and a little frustrated that Renjun doesn't want to believe him. 'Haechan is Donghyuck and Minhyung is Me.' he clarifies, watching the smaller's face frown once again. 'We were idols. The rest of us. We're a part of a unit called NCT Dream.'

Renjun took a step back, now looking scared. 'Mark, we.. we are not a group. Group of friends maybe.' he cast the carved words a glance again, 'And Minhyung's been dead long ago. My great great grandparents used to listen to their songs even before my mother was born.'

Mark crumbled, feeling the world spiral. What? What's happening? He fell onto his knees, breaking down. He clenches his eyes hard, sobbing loud. Where is he? What in the world is happening?

'Mark..' Renjun's voice drifted, cautious and careful. 'Is there.. is there something you're not telling us?'

Mark raised his head, face blotchy and his head hurt from overthinking. Somewhat he feels strange, like he hasn't been missing a lot but just acquired new informations about himself. 'How.. how old am I?'

'22. You're the oldest.'

Mark bit his lips, no this is wrong. He was 18 and Donghyuck's 17 when he died. 'I was studying accounting?'

'Yes,' The smaller replies, sitting down infront of him. 'It's our last year now. Jisung, Chenle and Donghyuck still has one year left though.'

Mark's brain hurt, 'I.. I'm not an idol?'

At that, Renjun's lips quirk a little for a joke, 'Unfortunately, you are not Mark.'

'What year is it now?'

'Okay now you are freaking me out,' Renjun sighs, holding his hand only to notice it shaking and cold. 'It's 3020 this year. It's December.'

The fuck, Mark thought. Last time he knew he was at 2018, but now.. years and years, thousand even, is the gap.

'Mark, if you have a problem please just tell us. We can help you.' This time, his friend's voice sounded emotional and begging. 'Or if you're too scared, just me then.'

Mark took a deep breathe, tightening his hold onto the other. He pinched himself hard and when that didn't work, he asked the smaller to slap him hard. With a hesitant agreement, Renjun did slapped him, very hard. But even with the harsh strike, Mark still remain in whatever dimension he was in. With one last hope of understanding what's happening, he asked, 'Donghyuck.. he's.. is he inlove with me?'

If Renjun's face only contorted into two expressions which is happy and angry, now it turned comical, like he wasn't expecting Mark to ask that question. Like it was out of the world.

'Donghyuck.. inlove with you?'

Mark nods stiffly, his cheeks warm. That is the truth that he promised not to tell anyone. But now, Renjun knows it. And now Renjun's going to punch him for hurting their friend and for letting him die—

'He's not, Mark.' The other replies, slow as if letting the words process inside the older's nonfunctioning brain. 'He is not, in any way attracted to you. You hated each others' guts.'

Mark felt his heart stop. Now, that is the breaking point. The day before he slept, Donghyuck died in his arms after confessing about the roses that killed his own life. Hanahaki disease. 'Donghyuck.. he.. he was supposed to be dead..'

'Now that's not a nice joke. I know you hate each other but—'

'No! I mean..' Mark interrupted, frowning. 'Before I wake up, the last memory I had was watching Donghyuck be buried after he coughed out a whole stem of roses.'

'Roses?' Renjun looked very puzzled.

'Yes. The Hanahaki disease. Don't you remember? It is when you love somebody but they cannot return the feelings and so you end up dying unless you get them taken off..' Mark explained, the memory still fresh in his mind. Renjun just sat there looking bewildered, his hold on Mark's hand softening. 'Hanahaki disease you say Mark?'

'Yes that one!'

Renjun shake his head, 'That's a thing of the past. It's been stories passed from the ancients, and it was hundreds of years ago since the last person who had it was recorded.'

'What do you mean?'

'There's no Hanahaki diseases. Not anymore.' Is what the other responded, looking just as troubled as Mark. 'No one's going to die with Hanahaki. Hundreds of years ago scientist found a solution. Now, anyone can love even in secret.'

Mark's brain decided that it is finally the time to stop working. The tall one sat there with an open mouth and wide eyes, shocked to even form a reply. When the silence became too much, Renjun clenched his hands to take him back to reality. 'Did.. did you have it as a dream?'

'It wasn't a dream.' Mark whimpers, tears springing out. 'I remember spending all the years of my life with all of you. Donghyuck died because of the.. of the Hanahaki disease. It was my fault. I didn't love him. I wasn't.. I am not gay.'

'Oh Mark,' Renjun says sadly, letting go of his hand to hug him close to his chest. He cradles the older gently, rubbing his back as he cry hard. 'Donghyuck's not dead. And he's not inlove with you. There's no roses to kill someone so don't worry..'

'But what about... what about my nemories? They're fresh? I can recall most of them.' Mark pulls away, still confused.

Renjun zipped his lip for a long while, thinking. When he lighten up, he looked more constipated and troubled with his hypothesis. 'It might not be a dream, Mark.'

'It is absolutely not!'

'It may be.. may be your past life.' Renjun said slowly, watching as Mark's eyes widen in understanding. 'You have been with us for years Mark. We have proof, videos and pictures. I think you just remembered some of your past life before you were.. reincarnated.'

'What the fuck?'

'Don't curse,' Renjun whacked his arm, 'It might be that.'

'How the fuck is that possible?'

'I said don't curse!' Another whack, 'And I don't know. I think it's possible. I-I had some experiences of it too.'

Mark's ears perk at that, 'You have?'

The smaller shrug, trying to look nonchalant but the look on his face tells otherwise. 'I can't remember much like you. All I know was that I loved a man so much. We were married before I was.. uh reincarnated, I think.'

'What happened to the man?'

Renjun finally let go of his hand, looking away. 'He has a boyfriend now. I saw them in the school once. But.. it's okay. Because I'm the only one who remembers.'

Mark stared at him sadly, heart wrenching. This Renjun is just the complete copy of his bestfriend, Renjun too. Just that this Renjun is more open and is wearing pastel outfit with a matching tint on his lips. Never would he thought he'd see Renjun like this. Now, still confused but relieved that he is not the only one who apparently had this 'reincarnation memories', he is still addled with the turn of events. How come he remembers the events like it just happened yesterday? If what Renjun is saying is real, then there is a large percent that he is indeed dead way before, ages before and that he is living another life.

Still, what if he messes up with his newfound memories?

'I know you're thinking too much again, so maybe let's have a quiz.' Renjun had quickly intervene his train of thoughts, 'You are still Mark. Nothing changed. You just gained memories about your past life. No big deal.'

Mark grimaces, not so sure about the idea. 'I practically hyperventilated and angered our group of friends because I was confused. You think it's not a big deal?'

'Well, you are still Mark!' Renjun insisted, 'Come, when did you met us?'

The answer was automatic, and though Mark's head supplied that they met through SM Entertainment, the answer walked out of his mouth on instinct. 'During the frat party for freshmen'

Renjun's smile was wide, 'See! You're still Mark. You remember. What about our first fight?'

Technically, the long-awaited fight of the Dreamies never happened because of the lack of one member. But in his hazed mind, he recalls a distant memory of being with his friends at the rooftop, remembering about an argument of him and Jeno fighting over Renjun's one sided love for said guy. They punched each other and the rest of the gang was just in time to stop their ridiculous physical brawl. 'I remember punching Jeno for hurting you.' He answered, trying hard to reminisce all, 'Because he was such an ass, too scared to tell you what he feels, ending the both of you in pain.'

Renjun's smile was soft, nodding. 'That's right.' he adds after a sigh, 'Do you.. perhaps remember that Donghyuck dated a guy named Hyunjin?'

Mark's vein seemed to pop, mouth slacking. That, he doesn't actually remember clearly. Hyunjin's name sounded too familiar though, because maybe it is familiar. 'He.. he dated?'

'Yep,' Renjun had the audacity to pop his answer, 'And you were very angry. Jealous even.'

Mark's face turned rudy as he spluttered, 'W-why would I? Me? Jealous?!'

'I don't know Mark. You're very confusing.' The smaller laughed, his voice crinkling faintly reminding Mark of Renjun's adorable laugh during their dream days. 'You and Donghyuck hated each other. A lot. You'd always bicker and find things to argue about.'

'That's very funny.' Mark chuckles, feeling light. His shoulders relaxed, leaning beside Renjun. 'Donghyuck and I.. back on our idol days were very annoying. Just like this, we fight and annoy each other. And we'd be at each other's throats all the time. I guess that actually didn't change even if we were.. reborn.'

'What's the difference of that compared to now?'

'Just.. just that Donghyuck's not coughing out roses with blood.' Mark looked up, at the bright blue sky and the shining sun right in the center. Feeling a little sentimental and perhaps, with a strange loss, felt incomplete. 'And that.. he wasn't inlove with me.'

'My grandmother said some people remember smallest things from their past. She said it is to remind them something,' Renjun emphasized, 'I think mine was telling me to move on because he is happy now. And all I ever wanted was for him to be happy.'

Mark silenced up, thinking. Did destiny really wanted to remind him of something?

'Okay, I really really want to be angry now.' A deep voice said, a little far from their location but still loud and clear to get their attention. 'But I'll let it pass since you look like you're going through some deep shit.' It was Jeno and he had his arms crossed over. He beckons his small lover, Renjun running to him in apology. They share a quick kiss, Renjun's eyes glazing with love and adoration as he let himself be engulfed between large mass of muscles of his boyfriend. Mark's heart soared with understanding. Destiny probably wanted Renjun to be happy as well.

The rest of the day continued with Mark apologizing to each of his friends, especially to Jaemin whom he offended with his actions. Everything seemed to fall back normally, like it was natural. He found himself playing and talking to them as if he didn't have a flashback of his past self. He found himself enjoying and just being who he was supposed to be without the remnants of the terrifying nightmare he once had experienced.

Though what still bothered his brain is the thought of what destiny wanted him to know.

Jeno had drove Jisung and Chenle along with Renjun to their houses while Jaemin had excused himself for a quick meeting with his parents. That left Donghyuck and Mark alone. Together.

Somehow, them being alone feels totally normal.

'You okay now Canada?' Donghyuck asked, icecream in his hand. 'I thought you've gone nuts earlier. We talked about bringing you to the hospital if ever it got worse.' He cackles, and the sound strangely sounded beautiful and melodious to Mark's ears. The older snorted, licking his own watermelon icecream. 'University is hard, especially if you're majoring in accounting, mind you.'

'Regretting your choices now, huh Canada.' Donghyuck giggled, he literally released a high pitch laugh, making Mark's heart stutter. Was he really like this? Does he really react to Donghyuck like this? Or was it because of the past that he felt like drawn and guilty to the smaller?

'I don't regret anything fullsun,' Mark retorts back, the nickname falling out of his mouth. Donghyuck looked up at him and smiled, light, warm and bright. He looked comfy and cozy, and all Mark wanted to do is touch him to check if he's real or not. Was he still dreaming?

Before his brain can even process on what he's about to do, his hand reaches over Donghyuck's sunny tan skin, his cheeks. Shockingly, the smaller doesn't flinch but he widen his eyes at the older, looking baffled by the action. 'Gotten soft now Canada?'

Mark pulled his hands back, sheepish. 'Maybe.'

The look Donghyuck sent him is meticulous and narrow, as if trying to know what's going through his mind. Honestly, nothing's running inside Mark's useless brain. It is currently occupied with Donghyuck's smile and soft radiating look. He looked radiant even under the afternoon sun. Was he always like this? It feels like seeing Donghyuck for the first time in someone's eyes. It felt too dreamy to be real. Was he always this.. beautiful? Or did Mark's feelings change because of the past that he was reminded of. Or was the latter really this beautiful even way before and that Mark was too oblivious and dense to actually notice.

'Canada, I love you staring but we have to get going.' Donghyuck snapped his fingers infront of him, smiling teasingly. 'Just oggle and stare at me tomorrow.'

Mark's default response was to bicker or argue, but he found himself smiling. Under the bright afternoon sun, Donghyuck look angelic and otherwordly. How come he have not seen the other like this before? Was it different before? Did his feelings change?

Upon seeing his smile, Donghyuck frowned. 'Are you really sure you're okay?'

'I am' The taller reply, 'I'll see you tomorrow.' Mark slowly said, trying not to sound suspicious. Now that he had dreamed or remembered the past, it feels like seeing the other in a new light. It feels like seeing Donghyuck in a more, precious and important part of his life.

Donghyuck sent him one last glance, before sighing and punching Mark's shoulder playfully. He looked adorable as he say goodbye, a little nervous and stiff before he walked away, waving in the air with his back turned.

That night, Mark didn't sleep peacefully.

He was shaken from the happening, and it scared him that this might be just a dream and he'll wake up soon, with dread filling his system as he cry his eyes out.

The next day, he only got to nap for 2 hours before Renjun came knocking on his room once again. Mark groggily walk to the door, looking at the calendar. December 12, 3020. He felt dizzy from the lack of sleep but for some unknown reason, he felt thrilled to see how the day will go. Will he see Donghyuck? Was it all a dream? Can a 2 hour nap change the reality? Or was it really a dream?

He came face to face with Renjun's concerned face, 'Hey, you still hangin' up?'

Mark nod, making his head spin internally. 'Yeah, just tired.'

'Did.. did some memories came back?' The smaller asked lowly, not wanting anyone to hear, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth. Mark smiled at him lightly, eyes hurting from the brightness of the surrounding. 'No, but they didn't vanish either.'

The smaller released a sigh, like he was relieved and before Mark can further ask him why, his head throbbed painfully. He cradled his head between his large palms, leaning on the wall for support. Jeno who was behind Renjun was already holding him, worried. 'It's Sunday. Take a rest Mark.'

Judging from Jeno's stern voice, it has no room for argument so Mark just obeyed without any protest. Jeno and Renjun took care of him, Jeno leaving them to pick up some foods and drag their friends to his dorm room. Confused and more woozy, Mark asked. 'Was.. was I any different than before?'

Renjun lifted his head from his phone, smirking. 'Of course you were.' he leaned close to rest just beside Mark. Mark know he and Renjun are close, even before they were reborn, it seems. 'You were scrawny and a nerd. Who would've thought Mark Lee would turn out Hot?'

Mark whacked his stomach. Those memories are clear, but some he doesn't remember due to time passing. The most clear memory in his head is Donghyuck's sad eyes staring at him before dying. 'Did.. Did Donghyuck like hot man?'

Renjun almost fell from the bed, eyes incredulously staring at the other. 'Did.. what?'

With a flush of warm skin and maybe an ashamed dignity, Mark shrugged. 'I mean.. Did Donghyuck like man my type?'

'You're seriously going crazy, Mark.' Renjun cackles comically, still cannot believe it. 'Maybe destiny really did want to remind you something hence you've gotten weirder.'

'Thank you' Mark snorts back, eyelids heavy. 'Do you think.. he would like me?'

'Mark if you're doing this because you are guilty with your past life's decision, then that is not going to work.' Renjun whispered, carding nimble fingers through his sweaty hair. Fever. 'But.. I guess. Donghyuck looks at you with twinkling eyes.'

Mark hums, heart calming down. He feels stupid for asking questions like that.

'But.. remember, Donghyuck doesn't like you like that. Maybe, destiny is trying to convey something to you. So that you won't mess up again.' Renjun says softly, endearing. 'But now, it is your choice to act. Because, probably, Donghyuck doesn't remember anything.'

Mark yawned, snuggling to him, 'I will keep that in mind.'

  
~♥~

 

Maybe if Mark's just more focused and interested, he would've noticed every slight gesture and meaning behind Donghyuck's actions. Even if they are two different Donghyuck, it is still him, flesh and bone, memory and alive. So maybe, just maybe, watching the smaller one be himself is what attracted Mark towards him, like they're magnets. And not because of the memory of his death.

Every little thing he does makes Mark smile. Every weird sound he creates, even the most strangest one never failed to bring a quirk on the taller's lips. Everyone had obviously noticed and had pointed that their Mark-hyung (especially Jisung who's an observer) had changed.

'What do you think is better?' Donghyuck asked, eyes fixated on the nail polish resting between his small hands. Mark and the rest are inside a small thrift shop, looking for strange things to buy for their weird gathering that has the idea of giving each other useless gifts. Mark looked away from the lace necklace he's staring at, thinking if he should buy it for Donghyuck, until his attention was grabbed by the smaller. 'Peach or Maroon?' The taller acknowledge, scrunching his eyebrows and his nose, 'Are you seriously going to give it to one of our friends?'

'Nope.' Donghyuck popped his bubblegum, lifting his head to look at him. Mark's heart did something weird upon noticing their close proximity. 'It's for my nails.'

'You color your nails?'

'Bold of you to assume I don't,' Was the snarky reply, but Donghyuck inched closer even with his words, shoulders touching. And if someone's to see them like this, they'd probably be suspicious of what the two are talking about. Just about nail polish I guess, Mark's numb mind supplied. 'Peach looks pretty,' Mark's unfiltered mouth answered, brushing away a stray fringe to the side. The smaller hums, putting the maroon back on the rack before walking to the other aisle. Mark pretends he doesn't see the tips of Donghyuck's ears turning red.

Mark's glad that during the passing days as the time approach Christmas, that no memories or bad dreams resurfaced. He had been dreading to know the reason on why he remembers each of the painful memories, but on the other side, he's glad to spend the days without a nightmare on the back of his head.

Donghyuck decided on one faithful Thursday to ditch class because 'they're just going to make us clean windows for the party!'. Mark had come with him in fear of anything bad happening to him.

'Icecream again? It's snowing Donghyuck,' Mark said, already shaking even if he's bundled with thousand of layers. Donghyuck took his mittens off, picking the taller's hands on his and then staring at Mark's eyes for a long moment. Mark clenches the hand on his own, nose red. 'It's so coooold!'

The smaller breaks into a small smile, cheeks rudy, (Donghyuck said it's from the cold) as he rolled his eyes. 'You complain a lot Canada.' before dragging him inside, hands still against each other tight. They walk to the counter, earning ridiculous stares as Donghyuck orders a vanilla sundae and a watermelon icecream for Mark, because you're a loser Canada.

They sat on the farthest corner of the shop, away from prying eyes as Donghyuck retells him a story he doesn't seem to remember. Still, their hands remained intertwined, snuggled and Mark belatedly noticed the coat of peach adorning Donghyuck's nails. It is very strange yet befitting, weirdly pretty on Donghyuck's tan skin, complimenting his natural color.

Donghyuck never failed to amaze him, it seems.

'You like them?' Mark asked after a long period of minute, now staring at the mole right at the side of his face. Donghyuck hums, eyes at the older's face. He giggles after, before sneezing. Mark cast his eyes towards him, concern and worry flooding his face. 'Cold?'

Donghyuck pouts, lips wobbling as he nod. Before he could process what was happening in the next second, Mark had dragged him close and buried his face right on the side of his head. Where the confidence came from, Mark had no idea. But seeing the smaller shiver in coldness left a twinge of fear in his heart, flashbacks of Donghyuck lying dead and cold flashing in his mind. Donghyuck squeeked, making a move to pull away because, okay this is really awkward.

But Mark tightened his hold, sighing into his head. He feels a light press of peck, just the slightest, too subtle on the mole resting on the side of his cheek. With a grumble, he turned and nuzzled his face on the taller's throat, feeling incredibly warm.

Mark strangely feels calm, like this is where he belongs.

Funnily, Donghyuck doesn't even react to his actions. He seems to be taking them very well, even whining sometimes when Mark would playfully ignore him or reject his advances. Mark's not naturally clingy, but Donghyuck made him a lot of things.

'We're watching A Quiet Place. You should've known better than that!' Donghyuck had screamed so loud when they played the movie, his shout drowning with Jaemin and Chenle's laugh. They were having a movie night in Jisung's house because his parents are out for the weekend, and they've been very worried of their son spending 2 days alone. Now dressed in a fresh pajamas and armed with blankets and pillows, they are ready to scream their lungs out.

'Whose idea is it to watch horror on Christmas season?!' Donghyuck yells dramatically, catapulting beside Jeno to hide. Renjun was not jealous by nature, but he grabbed Jeno's arm to wind up around himself, pouting. Donghyuck proceeded to harass each of their friends until he finally laid himself beside Mark, pouting. 'I'm scared Canada!'

'Then close your eyes,' Mark snickers, laughing when the smaller whined more. 'I wanna go home!'

Mark sighed before he pulled the smaller into his embrace, effectively shutting him up. The rest of the group doesn't comment nor turn their heads at them, too immersed in the movie to actually notice that Donghyuck's face is flaming and about to combust.

'I hate you Canada,' Donghyuck had whispered, but he snuggled closer, cheeks resting on Mark's chest. Mark's mind's too occupied with how good and pretty Donghyuck look that he doesn't notice Renjun's eyes on them or that the movie finally ended. That night, with his heart full of adoration and unexplained affection to a certain younger male, Mark thinks he finally had an idea of what destiny wanted him to realize.

Until one day, only did destiny tested Mark's real feelings.

They were playing on the park for the last days till Christmas eve, when Donghyuck did an unthinkable and jumped off the railings of the monkey bar which is too high and landed on his chest. All of his friends scrambled to where he was but it was only Mark who dragged him to his chest, beyond frightened. 'Donghyuck! Hyuckie! What the fuck' He cursed continiously, hands shaking. Their position faintly reminds him if that scary happening, except there's no blood and roses.

'Ouch,' The smaller groaned, eyes scrunching in pain. 'That hurts like bitch,'

'You're stupid' Is what Renjun siad, but he's sniffling and then hiding his face on Jeno's chest who sighed in relief. 'We'll get you some ice from the store,' Chenle suggested, already dragging Jisung behind him. Jaemin snickered at his side, pushing away some dirt and dust. 'What came into your mind, you pabo.'

'Trying out something new,' Donghyuck replied, chest hurting from the impact. 'But nah, never doing again.'

Mark flicked his forehead, cannot speak. He was so scared. He thought he lost Donghyuck again, especially when he jumped without a second thought. His heart's racing a mile per second, and he never once let go of Donghyuck even if Chenle and Jisung came back with icepacks, asking if they can take Donghyuck. That night, before he sleep, he realized that he liked Donghyuck. A lot. A lot to be that scared, in fear of losing him.

And when he wake up the next day, he felt relieved. It wadn't guilt.

  
It was Christmas Eve when Mark finally summoned the confidence to ask Donghyuck to be his boyfriend. Hd had told Renjun about his plan and though the smsller raised sn eyebrow at his intention, he was supportive nonetheless.

They were drinking soda, other kids from the neighborhood are there as well, when Mark pulled Donghyuck inside an empty closet. The others didn't seem to notice two of their friends missing and continue on with their lives.

'Canada, please give me a good reason on why we're inside a smelly and dusty closet?' Donghyuck coughed out, covering his nose. Mark thinks he failed in impressing the smaller as he shrug, covering his nose as well. It was supposed to be romantic, the music loud it's vibrating the whole house. But Mark likes to think destiny want him embarrassed with his failed plan.

'Uhm..' Mark starts, scartching his nape. 'Would.. would you like to be my boyfriend?'

Donghyuck's eyes widen before it narrowed, 'If this is a ridiculous prank, then you are doing a very good job Markie-poo.'

'It's not.'

'Then prove it to me,' Was the snarky yet vulnerable reply. Mark tips his head back, staring at the galaxy Donghyuck's eyes possess before he inched closer, slow and careful. He raises his hand to cup the smaller's cheeks, his own heating up with the intimacy. He gulps, darting his eyes towards the red cherry lips before directing it to Donghyuck's wide eyes. 'I like you,' He whispers before leaning in. He's utterly dismayed when the smaller backed away, and right when Mark's mind started to create ridiculous ideas about 'this is not your Donghyuck' or 'he doesn't like you that way', the smaller had lunged into him and kissed him breatheless.

The moment was too fast that Mark's left caught up with his damn brain not working. Donghyuck pulled away slightly, cheeks a very pretty shade of rose, his lips wet and glistening. 'Is that okay?' He asked shyly, adorable and sweet. Mark let his hands rest on the smaller's waist, grinning lopsidedly. 'Very okay' before they met halfway, teeth clacking. They are, infact, first timers because their teeth clashed and Mark's fairly sure Donghyuck bit his tongue more harder than necessary. Still it was the best Christmas eve gift. And maybe Mark did get a peach nail polish as a gift as well.

  
~♥~

  
Mark like Donghyuck. What he doesn't know is the extent of it.

Sometimes he'll find himself staring at the younger's lips or getting fascinated by his moles. Most of the time he wished that destiny will give him a lifetime to actually know every piece of wonder Donghyuck held for him.

Until one night, only did Mark realized and understood what destiny really wanted him to know. To be reminded of.

That night, he woke up wet and shaking, the remnants of the nightmare he once had clung to his skin, pulling him to reality. His nightmare was still as fresh as his memory, except this one is more detailed. He remembered Donghyuck, now his boyfriend, laying limp and cold in his arms. He clearly remembered the blood that cannot be washed off, for it was him, the reason.

He cried so hard that night, coughed out words he cannot understand as he tell Renjun about his dream.

'The nightmare never stopped,' Mark sobbed, clutching his blanket. He kept his eyes wide, too scared to be reminded of the unnecessary memory. 'Maybe.. maybe because you haven't exactly figured out what the flashbacks are for.' Is what Renjun said, thoughtful and serious.

Mark let his mind work that moment, thinking of what he missed.

When everything clicked, he rushed and asked Renjun to drop off the call, forgoing his jacket and shoes and just pulling his car keys and phone. He drove to Donghyuck's neighborhood, socks messing up the perfectly trimmed lawn of the Lee's. Mark thinks he look crazy with just pajamas and white shirt, hair messed up with his glasses and socks. Still, he breathed deep and threw three rocks against the younger's window. He's not even sure if he's awake, but the lingering fear of Donghyuck being gone or dead scared Mark shitless. He doesn't want the other to be gone without even knowing Mark's real feelings for him.

When the window opened, Donghyuck grumbled and released an irritated growl at him, too tired to be disturbed at the exact 2:46 AM of the morning.

'What do you want Canada? It's like 2 in the morning and mind you I have a geometry test tomorrow because Professor Park is a big dumb—'

'I love you' Mark yells, eyes wide and clear, heart palpitating. He watches as Donghyuck's face melts into a soft frown, 'What?'

'I love you.' Mark repeats, clenching his hands as tears sprung out of his eyes. 'Fuck, I'm so scared when I don't see you. I'm so scared that I might lose you. I want you in my sight always. I love your laugh, it makes me happy. Your jokes are weird but they make me happy as well. You make me happy Donghyuck-ah, and..' He pauses to wipe his snot which is disgusting, 'And.. and fuck I just want to be your lover till we die. I love you so much. Always. I've always did.'

Donghyuck sighed on his spot from his room, cheeks red. 'Stay there Canada' before he run down the stairs, opening their door and seeing Mark in flesh, looking tired yet relieved. He walked to him and buried himself on the taller's chest, 'I always love you too.' Somehow, those words meant more than just a simple confession. But Mark's addled brain is tired and sleepy, so he grab the smaller and kissed him slolwy and gently, tongue prodding carefully inside the smaller's mouth.

He kisses each of the moles designing the beauty of Donghyuck and then proceeded to tell him how much he loves him.

That night he slept beside Donghyuck, arms protectively winded around him, kissing him once, twice before letting himself rest. For the first time since his memories came back, he slept peacefully, with sunflowers and a voice telling him that he'll love him even through the next life.

'Okay, this is gross' Renjun had commented, watching the two lovebirds pick a matching set of coats. Jeno snickered behind him, putting a warm hand on his chest to drag him closer. 'You were way worser when we started. You wanted matching socks all day!'

'It was cute!' Renjun argued.

'Peach or Maroon?' Mark asked, torn between colors he doesn't actually like. Looking at Donghyuck's eyes, he already know the answer. 'Peach it is then' before going to the counter and paying for it. He faintly heard Jaemin mumbled a low 'whipped' as he pass by but he can't seem to care. Whipped is an understatement when it comes to Donghyuck.

'Can you paint my nails when we get home Markie-poo?' Donghyuck asked, already holding two bottles of nail polish. Peach. Mark rolled his eyes at him but dragged him closer by the waist, 'You know I would.'

Donghyuck's grin is brighter than the Christmas lights. And it's contagious.

He smiled back, nudging their nose together. 'Pucker up,' he commands softly, the younger blushing madly but obeying anyway, pouting his lips before pressing it against Mark.

'Uhm.. are they kissing?' Jisung asked Chenle nervously, eyes flitting towards his two hyungs who are seemingly lost in their own little world. 'In the mall?'

'Don't mind them.' Renjun waves, smiling a little. 'They had a lot to catch up.'

_Destiny wanted me to know that Donghyuck loved me all along and that I love him as well. Even with time. - **Mark, December 31 3020**_

_And that wherever they may be, they will still find each other. Because destiny wants them together._

  
'Hi! My name is Donghyuck! I'm five!' A small chubby kid said, cheeks dirty from the sand he played with. His eyes are dark and curious, Mark felt lost in the sea of wonder swimming inside of them. He felt himself smiling nonetheless, thrusting his hands for a shake. 'I am Mark. And I love you already!'

Little Donghyuck gasp, taken aback and so are their parents. But then Donghyuck breaks into a big grin, cheeks bunching up. His cheeks are red and pretty, Mark wonders what it felt like to kiss it. 'Hello Mark-hyung! I love you too. Let's be friends.'

Mark's smile was brighter but it is nothing compared to Donghyuck's. Afterall, what is he compared to a sun?

But, Mark knows, right between his small little palms, there's no comparation. He already has the sun in his heart.

And the sun has him too.

 


End file.
